"I Want to Be A Corrupt Christian" - I remember consciously consenting to this thought as I completed a mission trip to Savannah, GA. The initial objective of to adopting this mantra was that I was to live a worldly lifestyle and somehow still enter into heaven. Even after I was able to minister to people in need and serve in the community in the name of Jesus, I didn't really want all of Jesus. That required me giving up too much that I haven't even gotten to experience yet. To me, being a "Corrupt Christian" that meant that I can go out and do all the things my sinful heart desired yet still love Jesus(or pretend to love Jesus) in private(meaning for about two hours on Sundays).
Growing up, I didn't really fit in anywhere. I just didn't have that sense of belonging. I had constant feelings of inadequacy and feeling like an outcast. I was different and I knew it, I just didn't want to accept it. I wanted to blend in and fit in..badly. I felt ashamed of who I was a human so I just followed the crowds and did whatever was "cool" so I wouldn't have to face any more rejection. God created me as a kind-hearted, loving, and selfless individual, and as a man, that was not kosher so I was routinely taken advantage of, especially by the people closest to me. In that regard, I figured that the only for me to gain respect in society was to become like the people who rejected me. So I emulated their behavior and began to harden myself.
I first came to Christ when I was about 12 or 13 years old, and even then I didn't REALLY want to live for Him(It could have just been for fire insurance). I actually didn't even walk the isle, I waited until the next week and told my Sunday School teacher. For some reason, I was ashamed. Nonetheless, after I came to Christ, I had an internal desire to live carry His principles, yet I didn't want to be lame. I struggled heavily with finding my place in school and often didn't step up and speak out on what I knew to be right, simply because I was afraid of being rejected. I came to the conclusion that being "good" or being "Christian" meant I would consistently be rejected and ridiculed and since, I desperately wanted to be accepted and loved at any cost, I didn't think it was worth it...so I compromised...a lot.
As I made up my mind to become a "Corrupt Christian", ironically, I had an urge to read and apply the Bible and of course that didn't last long. After coming home from that mission trip in Savannah, I had a desire for God's word that I hadn't experienced before...but I still wanted to be cool, so I thought I could play the fence. I began reading in my NIV study bible and was looking up what laws I wanted to follow and what ones I didn't really care for. Specifically, I wanted to know what God meant by abstaining from "sexual immorality". I matriculated high school as a grade-A virgin. Up until that point I had only kissed one girl and I had an overwhelming fear of dying a virgin..and I wasn't having that! As a young hormone filled teen, I wanted to enjoy the pleasures of sex that was so raved about and didn't have the boldness to stand up for what I knew to be right, so all that was left to do, was to give in to the temptation...I decided I wanted to try this worldly thing out... it looked fun from the outside looking in, but of course, looks are usually decieving.
I graduated high school and was on my way to Kennesaw State University. I decided in my heart that I wanted to be wretched and do all the things my sinful heart desired... after all, I was going into a new place where no one really knew who I was so I can do whatever I want and recreate my entire persona. I also had freedom since I would be out of the house and on my own. The circumstances were a perfect storm for the disastrous storm that my deliberate sin that would soon cause in my life.
My freshman year in college I began going to parties and being more social while gaining more recognition. I was attaining what I had always wanted, acceptance, and I loved it...It was actually intoxicating. I felt as though for the first time in my life, I thought I was actually living. I thought I found out how to gain acceptance and for people to love me, and it was by living contrary to what I knew in my heart was true. I lived a lie in order to have a "life" so essentially, I wasn't living at all.
I literally rebelled against everything that was proper and righteous. I changed my diction, my thoughts, my attitude, and I deliberately did the opposite of what I was told. I made my life all about myself and what my sin corrupted heart wanted and consequentially, I began to tarnish internally.
In those years, I did many things I never would have imagined I would have done, I broke hearts, I had sex, I partied, I got high, I got drunk, I got black-out drunk, I manipulated women, I lead people into sin, I lied, I became a compulsive liar, I cheated, I stole, but hey...I was accepted...so I continued. The funny things is that I was still faithfully going to church every Sunday. Not paying attention to the Word whatsoever. I couldn't remember a single sermon from that period of time. I went to church so that God wouldn't be angry and make my week going into havoc. I did my dirt in private to gain the pleasure I desired while maintaining a squeaky clean image in public.
I realized that I found acceptance by rejecting my true identity, which is found in Christ. I was accepted for being someone I wasn't so realistically, I wasn't truly accepted. I rejected myself to be accepted by others. It wasn't until 2015 that I realized how far away from God I truly was and I met the Lord through a book called "The Bondage Breaker" by Neil T. Anderson. I had experienced a freedom like I've never felt a day in my life. I was literally walking around with a kool-aid grin on for days for no reason at all. Jesus had just saved my life, my soul, and my sanity.
Of course the enemy didn't want to me to maintain my freedom, so I was still drawn back into the world and the lifestyle I lived...the war was on. As I began seeking Him more, I began to feel isolated and like I was missing out on the thrills I enjoyed in the world. This phenomena is commonly referred to as FOMO, the Fear of Missing Out. Still on the fence and wrestling with the idea of dipping back into the world, The Lord spoke to me and hit me with this question, "What fear is worse? The fear of missing out on the world or the fear of missing out on the Rapture and on Heaven?"
That stuck a chord with me. There's no sense in living for something that is dying away. As time went on, I realized that I was never designed to conform. God made me different for a reason. I can't conform to a place I was sent to change and I can't strive to be accepted in a world I wasn't meant to fit into.
It is Hip to be a Hypocrite. I learned this the hard way; From the parties to the pews then to promoting purity to pornography and so forth. A double life isn't a life at all. The conflict will eventually break you. I was overcome by guilt and shame because I knew I was living a lie. Portraying a good clean "Christian" image in public, while in private being deliberately disobedient, obstinate, sensual, unholy and proud. My logic behind continuing in this double life was, "as long as everyone else believes I'm good, that's fine with me" .... I can lie and fool man, but I can't fool God. He sees right through it all...He looks at the heart. I can't lie, I felt conviction but chose to ignore it...but you can only ignore it for so long. Don't harden your heart to the Holy Spirit, it will become easier and easier with time and eventually you can become numb to His conviction... I pray that doesn't happen to you. I needed a divine intervention to open my eyes to the reality of what was going on in my life and to provide a solution, praise God that He did.
Popularity and acceptance isn't worth the price of one's soul in any sense. Whether that be worldly celebrity stardom, or validation from your peers and family, or church popularity gained by tickling ears, it is not worth it. It's not worth it to spend this limited time we have on Earth not preparing for what's to come in Heaven. It's not always easy, but it's worth it. There may be times that you fall or backslide, feel like nothing is happening, not feel like doing it, but it is all worth it...God is all worth it. He promises to finish the good work He starts in you (Philippians 1:6) . Take the first step and be honest with yourself and let Him know that you need Him to change your life, repent and turn away from the double mindedness and hypocrisy and give Him your life so you can start living life. A life of Truth and love. Live His Truth and live YOUR Truth. See life is but a vapor, let's live it for something real and worthwhile, authentically... let's live for eternity, every day. God bless!
The debauchery of hypocrisy is settled at last
If you want to be a super hero, quit wearing a mask
Man sees you actions while God sees your intentions
So there's no need to act if you Stick to the Scriptures
- Olivier (@OlivierOnline)