DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS NOT IN ANY WAY INTENDED TO PROMOTE PRE-MARTIAL SEX
I lost my virginity at 18 years old to a woman I barely knew. It was my freshman year of college and I was ready to take on the world...or so I thought. Before I got to college I began to adopt a "player mentality" in order to compensate for my lack of a love life in the years prior. I didn’t really get out much in high school and I wanted to experience what life had to offer. I made up my mind that I was going to go all out and do what I couldn't do before regardless of whoever got hurt.
At the time I met this woman, I found that I had enough pull in her life to get her to do whatever I wanted her to do. Honestly, she was a very nice girl; kind, sweet and ambitious and I actually enjoyed her company and conversation. She had a good head on her shoulders, and we hit it off immediately. The closer we got, the more intimate we became both physically and emotionally. I could tell she really liked me and I liked her too... just not as much and for the wrong reasons. After our first encounter I found out how far I could go with her and I remember literally telling myself, "If I don't sleep with her the next time I see her, I'm NEVER speaking to her again". And I meant it!
The next time I saw her, I did just that. I slept with her. I was a pretty good manipulator, so I knew how to get what I wanted out of her and not give away my ill intentions. I kept up my persona of wanting a relationship for some time before gradually withdrawing myself from our "situationship".
I actually felt proud of myself because I conquered my fear of dying a virgin! I did it! I was a "man" now! Not only that, but I did what my favorite rappers boasted about so much in their music, I hit it and quit it! I played the game and I played it well. I got the orgasmic feeling I wanted to get with no feelings attached! It's like I could feel my idols pat me on the back as she left....
In hindsight, I don't think I wanted to be a total savage, but I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. I wanted to prove to all the people in my past that I wasn't lame and that I could pull girls and pretty ones at that while sealing the deal. That insecurity and pride eventually lead to more damage than I ever accounted for.
At this point in time, I was a professing Christian but I was tired of trying to be good and clean, because I didn't see how it was benefiting me. I wanted to be bad...really badly. I wanted to fulfill my burning desires however, God in His sovereignty never let me get away with it. I found out we really can’t go too far away from God before He comes for us. As I look back on it, even in my waywardness, He disciplined me...and He disciplined me hard.
Shortly after losing my virginity, I became extremely sick. I'm talking about wheezing, sneezing, and barely breathing with little to no energy. I was sick for days and refused to go to a doctor to find out what was wrong. It was a catastrophic experience. To this day I have never been that ill. I began researching my symptoms and somehow I was convinced that I had contracted HIV! At the time I was ignorant to the world of STD's because well, I didn't really expect to have sex at all. But here I was... the first time I ever had sex, I possibly got HIV. Smh...only me.
I was horrified and freaking out. I prayed and prayed and probably promised God that I would never have sex again if I didn't have HIV(you know how we do) . And it turns out I didn't . I don't know where that sickness came from and though it was dreadful, it turned out to be non life threatening.
Thankfully, I got off clean and free but the woman I was with was left with confusion and likely a sense of brokenness. She didn't know that I used her for my own pleasure and to sooth my damaged ego. She didn't know that I had no intentions of actually being with her. She didn't know she was a catalyst to boosting the vanity inside of me and a covering for the insecurity. She didn’t know she was a pawn in my quest to be a player.
What I learned from the situation is that I was able to disguise myself as the man she could see herself being with in order to get her to be what I wanted her to be. Looking back on it, it was shocking to see that she couldn’t see through me. She was a good woman who deserved the truth and that wasn’t me. I thought being a womanizer was cool but boy was I wrong.
I’d love to say that after the way God dealt with me that I never had sex or manipulated a woman again, but that’s a lie. I did it again…and again... and again. I went out and fulfilled sexual fantasies I never thought I would and continued to make my rap idols proud. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it was an addiction rather a recreational activity sometimes even a coping mechanism to deal with the emptiness inside. I didn’t have many sexual partners, but I did enough damage to myself and others to know that I needed to stop.
After I met Jesus and repented, He showed me the error of my ways and I realized how broken the women I slept with were. God worked inside of me to the point that I felt compelled to pray for them and it was the first time I prayed for someone so hard that I wept. While they were already damaged, I used my influence in their lives to bring myself pleasure and cause them further pain. I tried to do what I could to fix the damage I had done, but to no avail. The only one who could heal them and make them whole, is Jesus. I had to let them go and let Jesus do His work in them.
Following my repentance, I learned about soul ties and what sex really does to relationships and to people in general. I learned that using women to gratify my own desires actually makes me less desirable.
I also gained revelation about some reasons why God wants us to wait until marriage to have sex. Think of it this way…when we have sex with another person, our souls get tied the other individual. They literally become a part of us(See Mark 10:7-8). It’s also been scientifically proven that once a woman loses her virginity, she creates an emotional attachment to that individual. In the spirit world, this is often referred to a soul tie.
To make a case for abstinence, it would make sense for God to want us to wait until marriage to have sex because the emotional and spiritual attachment that we create would be to the person that we are wed to for an entire lifetime. That means both parties are clean and can be free from emotional and spiritual baggage from past relationships. It also mitigates a ton of fear, doubt and insecurity in the relationship. It means no one is comparing the other to prior sexual partners, no fear of contracting STD’s, guilt free sex, the list goes on and on and on. God’s way is literally the best way and the only way for us to truly live.
In short, the importance of knowing our worth and value is immeasurable. Understanding the purpose of sex and relationships is just as vital. God’s ways work and they are for our benefit whether we agree with them or not. The more time we spend with Him, the more we will understand that.
For anyone who’s slipped and fell, God’s grace is there to help you get back up! For anyone waiting for that wedding day, true love is worth the wait so keep pushing! For anyone who is undecided, consider this:.
Without physical intimacy our partners have no other choice but to connect with us on the spiritual, emotional, and intellectual levels. When that occurs, we are able to get to know and appreciate the other person for who they really are, which is who they are on the inside…which is ultimately what really matters. Both men and women alike have to fight the same battle of lust and temptation, but by God’s grace, we can overcome. The moments of sensual satisfaction don’t compare to monumental feelings of being truly known and truly loved, and the person of your dreams wouldn’t force you to sleep with them.
Check out my latest music video, Pinky Promise below: